Some obsessions hit like a bolt of lightning. An episode of television, a song, a film, a randomly seen interview that results in the pulse raising, widening of the eyes and incessant 'I NEED TO KNOW MORE NOW' reflex.
Others are a slower burning but nonetheless intense experience.
For me, Eddie Izzard fits into the second category and has recently blossomed into a full-on love of a man who makes me laugh until I very literally double over.
Some history. If I remember correctly then the first time I saw him was on VHS (Google it, kids!) at my cousins place somewhere in the mid 90's maybe? I don't recall the year precisely because I was drunk for a lot of that decade. Anyhow, what I do remember very concisely is a group of 5 or 6 of us absolutely howling with laughter for the entirety of the video.
Since then he has always been on my fangirl radar and, looking back now, I can see that I've pretty much kept track of what he was doing since then. I watched The Riches, the Oceans movies, Day of the Triffids etc, as well as the stand up shows. Don't even get me started on those damn marathons... ALL THE FEELINGS....
The one thing I never got to do in all those years was see him perform live. This was mostly due to geography. I live in Cornwall which is beautiful and amazing and veeeeeeery far away from most of the rest of the country. Except Devon.
The timing never quite worked out for me to get to a show, be it work commitments or finances or whatever. Then he played 2 shows in my local theatre which is approximately 7 minutes walk from my flat. Which sold out in about 2.3 seconds....
To add insult to injury I had a friend of a friend 'on the inside' who worked at the theatre whom I mistakenly assumed would tip me off if anything big was happening. Nope. But my friend happily went and saw him both times whilst I sat in mourning, wishing that it was me. Ah, friendship. It's a beautiful thing.
So I'd pretty much given up. It seemed like I just wasn't destined to be in the same room as him. And that is true to this day. I've never been in the same room as Eddie Izzard... but I have been in the same man made amphitheatre as him...
I believe it was May or June 2012 when the mailing list from eddieizzard.com informed me that he would be performing at the Eden Project in Cornwall on June 3rd 2013.
*CUE IMMEDIATE FLAILING MELTDOWN*
Why? Because I'd just booked my first Supernatural convention and had zero funds.
However, I work with a person of such kindness, who was so used to my regular fangirly flaily ways that he promptly offered to buy the tickets for me and I could pay him back on payday. Yes, he is that awesome.
Within 10 minutes of the tickets going on sale I had a text to say that I had 2 tickets to see Eddie Izzard. I didn't care that it was a whole year away. I didn't care that he was playing on my Mum's birthday. I didn't care that (at that point) I had no one to go with. I just had the damn tickets.
Fast forward to June 3rd 2013 and I'm sat in a big grass and concrete bowl with 5999 other people and my head is fit to explode! And then the lights went down (as much as they can in summer time at just gone 8 o'clock in full daylight) and the screen plays the intro and all of a sudden I'm on my feet and making as much noise as it is possible for a 5ft 3 human being to make and not giving a singular shit if I'm pissing anybody off by doing so....
And then there he is. Striding onto the stage, looking immensely dapper in a dark suit. Smiling and acknowledging the yelling, whooping, screaming crowd. I was doing the same and also trying not to cry.
As soon as he started to speak the evening rushed by in a flash. I could tell you some of the stuff he was talking about but unless you hear it from him, it just ain't funny. It was everything I could have dreamed of and more. So many times my best friend and I were literally doubled over, barely able to breathe, we were laughing so, so much.
I'm pausing here to think back over it and to remember how the whole thing made me feel that night.
Because it wasn't just that I got to see Eddie Izzard that night after waiting impatiently for about 20 years or so....
The last few years haven't been good for me. I have been fighting depression and anxiety for so long now that I just got tired. Tired of making myself get up in the morning. Tired of making myself smile for other people. Tired of being fucking tired all the fucking time and trying SO hard to not feel tired.
And I do fight. I fight every day to try and feel this thing called 'normal'. Luckily for me, I have companions on board to help with my fight. I don't even know if they know that they help but they so do. Alongside the lows, I have been fortunate enough to have had some incredible highs over the last 4 years and that is all due to amazing people that I have met through fandoms. Music, TV shows, books, writing, whatever.
Like-minded, kindred spirits who are phenomenally kind, generous, fun, spirit lifting, encouraging people who have all accepted me exactly as I am. I may not see these people from one year to the next but they are actual, proper, true, real life friends and I don't know where I'd be without them today.
Well, that's not exactly true either.
Here's where it gets difficult for me. For some reason, the Eddie Izzard show intersected my life at a point where I had been re-evaluating and reflecting on what my life had become and where I wanted it go and all that existential bollocks. I'd call it a crisis but I seem to be permanently in one and crisis, by it's definition, tends to be a 'testing time' or an 'emergency event'. (Thanks Wikipedia!)
To cut a humongously long story short, for the 48 hours or so before the show, I'd been seriously considering whether my life was actually worth carrying on with. That's a dramatic statement and I absolutely do not take it lightly. For the record, I am not feeling like that now. I don't know yet whether I'm taking this public (which for me means posting it on twitter where my friends can see it) or whether I'm just going to let it sit here. But I think I need to acknowledge it.
The weekend before the show I had not physically spoken to a human being from the Friday I left work until the Monday morning I got back into work. I keep in touch with people by text and messenger, I'm never really alone in that sense but that weekend felt like the longest, loneliest weekend I have ever had. I stayed in bed the entire time and kept myself distracted with all sorts.
Such is the nature of depression. It can strike violently and without warning and even though I am on good meds those mood downswings can be an absolute fucker.
On the Monday morning I did the usual. Forced myself out of my warm cocoon (don't want), forced myself into the shower (don't want), made coffee (do want!), got dressed in my god awful shitty uniform (don't want) and took myself off to work (don't want). Luckily Izzard was in the offing and the mood decided to uplift itself to the point of excitement!
So there I am, standing in the Eden Project, laughing like a drain (wtf does that actually mean?) and at the same time realising that 24 hours previously I just wasn't sure I wanted to live. Weird huh?
In the couple of weeks since then, I've been doing more thinking that usual. I've also made a point of watching anything and everything about Eddie Izzard that I can find. I encourage you, dear reader, to do the same. Especially Believe: the Eddie Izzard Story, the Marathon Man documentary (which I can't find the last episode of and is driving me a little more demented than usual. A little mental health humour for you there!) and the Kevin Pollak interview which is on youtube. His focus and drive continue to astound me, whether it's embarking on an extensive comedy tour or attempting to run 27 marathons in 27 days in honour of Nelson Mandela. He himself has said that it's to do with some of the emotional stuff he has going on. To me, he's just an inspirational human being.
Which makes me wonder what the point of this post is or was, as I seem to have wandered into an existential cul de sac of sorts.
Actually I think there is more than one point. I shall make a list.
1. Eddie Izzard is a wonderous human being in my opinion
2. I am depression fighting superhero, motherfuckers!
3. Once I start typing I can't stop...
4. Friends come in all shapes and forms. Some are physically present in everyday life, others are in text form for the most part, but all are priceless. These are the people who make you feel valued and special and loved because they choose to have you in their life, as you choose to have them in yours. These are the people who tell you that it is possible to go to gigs and conventions when your brain tells you that it's impossible due to finances and insecurities and all manner of negative bollocks.
5. People who fangirl or fanboy as much as you do are seriously special, in the very best sense.
6. We all have issues. We are all broken in some way. We are all flawed. It's what makes us so fucking amazing. If we didn't have these things then we would have nothing to motivate us, to make us dream, to accomplish things, to inspire others to do the same in their own way.
7. Sometimes events happen in our lives that seem drastically unconnected. Like seeing a comedy show that you've waited forever to see after the worst weekend ever. Yet these little seemingly random occurrences, when looked at from a little distance can actually make a kind of sense. Sometimes just standing in an old china clay pit and laughing at a bloke describing a chicken military strategist with hydraulic legs can be enough to reignite a spark and remind you that with all the lows come the highs.
And the highs, when they are arrive are epic and life affirming. Enough to carry you through the next dip and onto the next gig or convention with people you adore.
So thank you to my awesome, amazing friends for being the people that you are.
Thank you, Eddie Izzard, for the being the person that you are and sharing so much.
Force Majeure: casus fortuitus (Latin) "chance occurrence, unavoidable accident"
